I have been trying to put this post into words now for over a month. I still don't know if I will do it justice, but I post this with the utmost reverence, respect and a dash of my own personality.
I know everyone handles trials differently. I have lived a wonderfully happy life, but it has not been devoid of trials. Some trials I have come off conquerer, others I feel I have missed the mark, or perhaps the lesson that I was suppose to learn. Either way, I feel if I have fallen off the preverbal horse, no matter how badly bruised or beaten I have gotten, I ALWAYS get back on.
This time is absolutely no different.
Ryan and I have been trying to get pregnant now for almost two years. Now, most of you will say two years really isn't that long. To that I will say
go punch yourself in the face you are right.
Two years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, right?!
But two years is half of our marriage. Almost 50% of the time Ryan and I have spent together as husband and wife we have been trying to get pregnant. I know of many women who struggle with this and have been trying waaaay longer than two years to have a baby, i.e. my beautiful cousins who waited for almost 6 years for their bundle of joy. Some try and try and finally just give up...and then magically get pregnant. Or they try and try and adoption is their only route.
So what do we do now? Jump to the worst conclusions of course!
There has got to be something wrong with one of us.
Many a doctor visit, blood work and uncomfortable hoo-hoo procedures later, Ryan and I are fine. Perfect even. Minus my tilted pelvis (which is normal for many women) we are A-Ok.
P.S. Do not try to look up slang words on google for vagina because there are a lot of sick and twisted people out there!!
The doctor didn't seem too concerned. "You are young, healthy, just relax a little, reduce your stress and things will happen for you."
Do you know what happens to an A-type personality who gets told to "relax"?
Their brain explodes.
That is only after they plot the slow and painful death of the one who has given them such inspired advice.
Everyone tells us to "relax", "stop thinking about it" or "just have fun with it".
Wow. Just wow people. I just hope I have never given someone such bad advice before. Just have fun with it?! Really people?!
You know...I think I am going to try to bore my husband to death by asking him to make love to me non-stop for a week. Genius.
I know these comments are well intentioned, but sometimes I just have to laugh, or I'd cry.
My FAVORITE is when, once people know you might be trying, they start giving you advice. That's right. Strangers and acquaintances want to give me sex advice.
"Have you tried this position?" "If you just tilt your pelvis like this..." "Did you know if you rub yourself in baby oil and jump around..."
If I had a nickel for each time someone gave me baby-making advice I would be enjoying a margarita in the Bahamas right now.
Now, to the true reason for this post.
After all of this waiting I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I have been single-handedly funding the makers of all pregnancy tests for the past two years, and I was ecstatic!
Finally a return on my investment.
One clear sign for me was my acne was clearing up without doing anything. Um...obviously the world was coming to an end or I really was pregnant.
Sure enough the next day I took another test and again, positive.
Ryan and I were so excited. It seemed surreal. I started going into overdrive thinking about everything that needed to be done. I called my OBGYN and made and appointment. They insisted on doing an ultrasound and I wasn't comfortable doing an ultrasound that early in the pregnancy so I looked up a birthing center nearby and scheduled an appointment there as well determined to make up my mind which route I wanted to go when the time came.
Ryan and I were decided that we wouldn't tell a soul until I was out of my first trimester because my mom suffered two miscarriages before having me and my MIL had problems getting pregnant as well.
We were having fun looking up videos on you-tube of people telling their parents and I was busy writing in my baby journal of all of the things the baby and I had already done together i.e. movies we had seen, dinners we had...boring stuff for the baby but I want to remember the details.
I was feeling fine and was anticipating the surge of morning sickness but it never came.
I started to bleed one day at work and called my doctor. I left work and they did an ultrasound and some blood work. They were sure I was having a ectopic pregnancy from the ultrasound, which means the baby was attached to my fallopian tube instead of my uterus. There are risks involved because I could potentially lose one of my tubes if it burst. I was told to go home and rest. They would wait for my blood work to come back before they did anything else. I was still bleeding and knew this just wasn't our time our time to have a baby yet.
I was sad. I cried. A lot.
Ryan was such a trooper because I would start crying and he would just hold me. He made me meals and was single-handedly packing our place, since we were, of course, moving 3 days from then. Perfect timing, as usual.
My doctors office called me two days later and told me I needed to go to the ER. My blood work came back and my blood type is A negative. You can learn what that implies HERE. Needless to say it complicates my life during pregnancy, but it is not something that is life-threatening to me or the baby if we take certain precautions.
So that is how I ended up here.
Ryan was amazing during this whole experience. He kept me sane and upbeat. I am usually an obsessive Instagram checker and Ryan quizzed me describing the Insta picture and I had to guess whose picture it was. Perfect score baby!! I know...I'm a little ashamed of myself. Don't judge.
That IV hurt like a mother. Seriously if I have to have that in my arm while trying to push out a baby the doctor is going to be getting a sympathy IV as well.
Gross I know, but Ryan and I were having a blast together. Is it sad that I was happy to have my husband all to myself with no distractions, even if I was strapped to a hospital bed for the majority of it?!
Word to the wise hospitals, give the patients warmer blankets! Those "blankets" are mere sheets. I know you have to keep the hospitals a certain temp for safety reasons but between the cold IV and the temp I was shivering the entire time we were there.
The ER ran the same gamut of tests my doctor did and my official diagnosis was spontaneous abortion. Nothing was damaged and everything cleared out on it's own. Which was good news. I knew the pregnancy wasn't viable and I was grateful they didn't have to do anymore procedures. They wheeled me around everywhere, which was kinda fun, and I had the best company and supporter by my side the entire time.
I consider myself lucky.
We feasted on a delicious Publix sub after our crazy night at the ER. I was starving and so was Ryan, but he never once complained. He was my rock and it was awesome for me to not even worry about a thing because my best friend was by my side.
I am still hopeful that one day I get to be a
crazy person mother. I see so many women I love and admire take on their new roles as mothers and are absolutely brilliant at it. It's like they have always known how to be a mother and that is what I want for myself one day. I look up to those women and love seeing and hearing about their babies and growing kids.
I never feel badly when someone announces they are pregnant. Why would I? If I want it so badly for myself, why wouldn't I want it for my friends, family or others?
It is easy to get discouraged, but somehow I am anything but discouraged. I know that Ryan and I's prayers are being heard and that they will be answered in the Lord's time.
Until then, I will keep boring my husband. Lucky Ryan.