Lately I have been doing some pondering. How many of the things I thought were going to happen in my life, have actually happened?
I am a planner. And by planner I mean control freak. I like to know where and when things are going to happen. Who will be there and why and what should I be bringing. I'm sure this annoys Ryan to no end, but I have this pressing need to know everything. (He knew this before he married me, don't worry.) There's nothing wrong with that right?
Well, after teaching a lesson in Relief Society on faith almost two months ago I have been thinking about faith non-stop. I started to notice the small things that required faith that you don't normally even think about. They didn't even have to be church related. I noticed faith in every lesson in church, every talk given, every testimony, and even in every prayer I heard being offered. I never though about how much faith we exercise on a daily basis.
Then I started to wonder why did this lesson have such a huge impact on me? Faith seems basic enough, right? What lesson am I suppose to be learning from this?
This is where my pondering came into play. How many things I thought were going to happen in my life, have actually happened? Well I would say almost all of them. But then how many events were out of my control? It seems like until now, only a handful of events were completely out of my control...like would I get accepted to college, would I get hired for a specific job etc. Here is where my faith lesson comes in.
Now, for the first time in our married lives, we have hardly any control over anything. We don't know where we will be going to grad school, or where we will be living, or where we will get a job. Everything we are doing now requires faith to know that somehow things will work themselves out. And I hate it. I hate not knowing where we will be moving in April..or even if we will be moving! I hate that I don't know if I'll be able to find a job, or start up school or have children without going completely broke. I hate that we don't know where Ryan will be going to school or if we will be able to find a job in his field with this lovely economy. Sigh. If I think about this too much I know I won't be able to sleep soundly ever again. But somehow I do sleep soundly because I keep noticing how we are exercising our faith by paying our tithing, doing our callings, Ryan studying hard for the GRE and finishing his applications. Everything we are doing each day helps us to exercise our faith and rely more fully on the Lord. And it is HARD! The ulcer in my stomach is telling me I'm not the greatest at exercising faith yet, but I'm learning. I can't be a control freak when it comes to the Lord. Look at me...I'm growing!
I know that everything will work out just fine in the future. I really do. Even my ulcer knows that. I'm even a little bit grateful I'm learning patience and learning not to be as much of a control freak. I think Ryan is pretty happy about that too.